I don’t talk about myself often, for many solid and true reasons. Mostly, it’s the fact that once people get a window into what sleeps behind my various public personas, they find that I am something much too difficult to handle… too complicated… I think too much. There is an odd combination to me that lends an aura of intimidation that is typically unintended. On the exterior I am the thinker and analyzer… cold and calculating. Upon getting to know me a bit more, this is mostly true with the exception of the coldness. I am not frigid, I am simply guarded. Beneath the surface lies a burning passion for nearly everything. I feel with such intensity that I become an overwhelming presence. I am not clingy and I am rarely affectionate but not because I don’t want to be… it’s honestly because I can’t. I am ignited and burst into flames on the inside but I can only seem to let out glimpses of that inner light for fear of having yet another come bursting through the door with a giant extinguisher.
Every time someone makes their wishes for my openess apparent, it’s like salt on a wound. One of my biggest flaws is that once I develop a certain level of trust in someone, I have a hard time distinguishing between what is simple curiosity and what is a desire to actually know the real me. I fall victim to seeing what I want to see and misplace affections frequently. My hope has kept me alive thus far but it is a double edged sword as I find myself slitting my wrists with it on a regular basis.
I write this as a filter. This is a prologue meant to slough away the meaningless aquaintances from those that I will take the time to form genuine connections with. I am a very real person behind your screen. Whether you possess the ability to reach out and touch me is irrelevant. There are those out there that put too much faith into how much you can know someone without ever being able to talk face to face and there are the people that take advantage of such impressionable minds. Then there are those that don’t put enough faith in and those that remain hidden in spite of how genuine they really are. Take me as you will. I am offering more than a glimpse here. I am making a very candid effort as I strip my shell and expose myself to the best of my ability. Take it or leave it. Love me or hate me. If your reactions trigger me to feel disheartened, I know to weed you out as useless.
I have open commenting for a reason. Judge and be judged my friends…