somniare.

sometimes, my head explodes

hypergraphia and the disorganized mind December 4, 2007

Filed under: my evolution,psychoanalysis — somniare @ 2:05 pm

I’m coming to terms with a very unique phenomenon occurring in my life right now. It’s not often I find myself in a brand new state of mind that I’m forced to develop new theories on in an attempts to cope. The good thing is that I picked up a book that brims with the potential of enhancing my insight. I brought it into work with me yesterday and found myself instantly sucked in which is always a good sign.

The problem I was previously faced with was the common one of writer’s block. I am now faced with a combination of hypergraphia which in turn has some of the effects of writer’s block as I exhaust my internal resources for expression. In summary, I have a painful need to release all that is inside of me but my mind has run off without me and I’m feeling the effects of some sort of pseudo-block due to having so much running through my mind at all times.

One problem for me that has always been an issue and can be attributed to information within concrete psychoanalysis as well as more arcane and preternatural forms of self discovery. This issue being my ability (or curse) to be able to absorb the energy of those in my company. In spite of the chaotic thought processes I often find myself in, I’ve always been able to pick something out of the madness to centralize my attentions. As I’m finding myself thrown into associations with those who are lacking in that aptitude, I feel my own skill waning.

There are ups and downs to this. The obvious down is that my hypergraphic stage is unable to reach fruition and I fear that it may fade away before I find away around this current disadvantage. On the positive side, being around someone who struggles in a way that I don’t gives me a new perspective and the opportunity to learn more about myself as well as the potential for being more effective in my attempts to help others with the issue. I am a firm believer that you can never actually help someone unless you can relate on a level that encompasses at least a portion of learned experience.

Prior to finding myself in this state of mind, people with this problem have always been a frustration to me. It’s difficult to communicate with people who struggle to pick one idea/feeling/need out of their heads and direct all of their resources to expressing or accomplishing it. These are the people in genuine ruts. Some have created these patterns out of ignorance and lack of self awareness, some have been unable to accept the assistance of others due to lack of trust or constant associations with people who wouldn’t see the problem if it slammed them in the face, and others are so intent on fixing themselves that they’ve forgotten the world outside and the healing ability that can be found in others.

As I see it currently, I have two options for fixing this current conundrum. I have an innate feeling that I’m going to need to work on both in order to reach full potential. At this moment, I am satisfying my hypergraphia by sitting here and sorting out some thoughts. In the larger scheme of things, I may have to figure out how to NOT be such a sponge and absorbing unhealthy mentalities of others. This may hinder my ability to be productive in efforts to help individuals with this problem but if I don’t look out for my own well-being first, how can I truly heal? If I can find a method to slow down this osmosis, I may be able to work it out over time.

This issue then becomes how much I need to cut people out in order to maintain a steadfast resolution. To remove the offending parties from my life altogether is just not an option and neither is becoming more shut off from the world than I already am. As I type this and wrap my mind around it, I’m coming to the realization that the damage has been done. I’ve let in the delinquent state of consciousness and now I have to deal with the consequences. In turn, I need to focus on my creativity first. Get as much out as I can even if it’s in tiny unsatisfying bursts. Maybe if I write enough during times of mental chaos, I can satisfy the hypergraphia and also get additional clarity on how to cope with anarchic brain functions. Guess we’ll see….

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