sometimes, my head explodes

A new year January 1, 2009

Filed under: my evolution,philosophical muse — somniare @ 2:46 am

I went back to my first post of the year for 2008 to see how far I’ve come… or more less, how far I haven’t.

My eloquence has forsaken me. My talent for language moved onto more fertile ground and left me to follow my singular path backward in perpetual digression. Every moment that I feel is my worst ends up eclipsed in the next minutes… full of ambiguous wording and ellipses replacing the experience provided only by proper punctuation.

My grammar seems to be the casualty of the year. As I’ve become more and more mentally scattered, any intelligent thought wanes away in the wake of emotional tides. I suppose that as we evolve on some levels, there has to be retrograde on others. Such is the nature of balance in how we maintain our unique personalities while becoming something different at the same time. Evolution in humanity is contradictory that way. It works out in such a fashion that one might question whether or not it qualifies as development at all but rather a minor alteration, such as rising the hem of a skirt you’d like to shorten or sewing a new button onto a shirt that many would have simply thrown in the trash.

If it were up to me, I’d toss my whole being into the trash. Chalk my existence up to a glitch in the system and let a higher power develop a more dynamically stable model. If everyone felt that way though, we’d end up a society of highly functioning automatons, performing our assigned tasks in a worldwide society of functional communistic beliefs. We’d be robots without flaw and, by default, without the ability to learn and grow from our mistakes before being deemed obsolete and destroyed. Truth be known, this is possibly the reality of our lives already… our deaths only being testament to our ceasing functionality and uselessness in the grand scheme of things.

Existential crises and depression stem from instinctive awareness of our lots in life and definitive fates. Those that find themselves faced with such states often medicate in an effort to numb the pain ; diminish the agony of performing day to day pointless activities and ultimately fruitless obligations. The numbness only suffices in the eyes of the perfect Utopian mechanical world. As much as it would seem ideal to run our course without the suffering of cognizance… we are what we are here. We need to come to terms with our own places in this world.

I’ll take my faults with a grain of salt. I’ll enjoy the flavor of cherries and appreciate vintage photography in all of its emulsified beauty. I’ll kiss and laugh and smoke and brood. It’s another year of being alive and aware that life is simply varying levels of unhappiness regardless of how I’ve changed. This isn’t negativity. This is life.


on blindness August 6, 2008

Filed under: philosophical muse — somniare @ 1:38 pm

I’ve been thinking a lot about memory lately. How much do we miss on a day to day basis that our senses actually pick up and experience but we simply lose it by the time we reach the moment of reflection on the day.

I’ve been researching “ad blindness” as of late because the phenomenon spreads across a much wider spectrum than simply advertisement. For as long as the internet has been around, people have abhorred the obnoxious flashing rectangles leering from the tops of websites containing various ads. It’s now been documented that even if there is legitimate site-related content within a rectangle on the top of the page, a user will search endlessly for that content in other places and likely end up leaving the site out of frustration. More interestingly is that many people who may stumble on this blog will now have a renewed (and potentially annoying) awareness of those ads again.

So in light of that, I can’t help but contemplate how much desensitizing really diminishes the ability to recall small occurrences that could have had significant weight but we’ve become conditioned to ignore. Is it this bizarre form of desensitization that causes us to become bored quickly with our surroundings? When we reflect on the day and can’t pull a single significant emotion out of the fray, is it due to the bland consistency of our daily lives or is the root truly a defense mechanism due to the more to a subconscious feeling of overstimulation?

Advertisement has had to push to aggressive extremes to gain our attention, which seems to only further our need to shut out the sights and sounds around us. The same goes for day to day human interaction. The more we experience, the harder it is to really captivate us. At the same time, while we tell the world we’re searching for meaning and truly unique experience, we’re also in the process of a slow shutdown as we attempt to save ourselves from the barrage of annoyances encountered regularly.

It’s within our control to make efforts to notice “the little things”… but is it even in our power to make a conscious effort to see what we unconsciously ignore?


my war against pennies April 25, 2008

Filed under: from the mute to the deaf,philosophical muse — somniare @ 12:37 am

I think there’s a portion of everyone’s brain that is fascinated with the science of relationships. Even those who live ignorant to the actual psychology behind social interactions will find themselves counseling they’re friends, loved ones, or even complete strangers on their dealings with others. What sticks out to me as the most common reassurance to those in the middle of a crashing relationship or dying friendship is that you can’t expect to change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves.

Okay, so we’ve established that. There’s a reason we hear this statement time and time again. There’s a reason it doesn’t prevent one from feeling the need to speak those words to others over and over. It should be clear that maybe, what we see on the surface when observing this misstep isn’t all that it seems.

From my experience, my tendency to keep myself in unhealthy relationships and associations isn’t because I’m driven to change the other person. It’s because I remember the better times. I struggle to let go of the earlier stages where we’re driven to please and learn about each other. I believe people are pulled inexorably toward each other for a reason. The problem comes in when that reason turns out to be different than what we desire it to be.

In every association with people around us, we should always find ourselves walking away with something valuable. Pain is like the penny if we were to convert these values monetarily. There’s only so much you can take before your pockets are full and you have to cash it in if you’d like to hold something more than a virtually worthless piece of diluted copper in your hands. Pennies are everywhere, we don’t even notice them until there are so many that all the other coins in the jar seem to be becoming usurped by them. We hate them, they burden us, we vacuum them up with the dust on the floor, we throw them out with our pocket lint. Pain accumulates in a very similar fashion. Eventually, when this is all you can seem to find yourself storing away, the time has come to give up on those brief times you were gathering quarters, dollars, and gems. You can only gain so much knowledge from pain… you can only live for a short while on pennies.

Living off of the memory of happiness gets you even less. This is like recycling cans, gathering the change, and using it to buy more cans of cheap beer. The time will come when you can no longer feed off of what you gained early on… and we all know what years of cheap beer will do to one’s body. We collect memories for the same reasons we get drunk. The ultimate digression. We remember so we can forget… many an alcoholic was born from the temptation of numbness. Our futures can’t be built on a desire to go back.

The most we can do is see those who are important in our lives for what they are each day. Take something away with you every moment you share. Make the effort to show a different side of yourself on occasion… your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes and dreams… these things should change as quick as heartbeats.

Give what you want to receive, be bigger than the penny.


the balance March 12, 2008

Filed under: my evolution,philosophical muse — somniare @ 6:24 pm
Tags: , ,

The sun seems to be glaring at me as it bids adieu behind the trees and houses of Suburbia. It’s as if it believes my last memory of light for the day should be one of pain, spotty vision, and finally blindness… reminding me that who needs to really see anything in the darkness anyway. There is luck this time of year as the fire in the sky fades much more quickly than what I have to look forward to in the days to come. It’s the slow descent of the seemingly infinite daylight that I dread now. Contradictory to my yearning for the warmth of a summer night, I still find myself disquieted by the impending lengthening of daylit hours. Perhaps it will be good for me. There’s a chance that the will for wakefulness will return and my dread will be replaced with an urgency to embrace time once again. At this very moment, that is a level of optimism long forgotten.

I learned something about myself today.

While I’ve been so focused on everyone else’s levels of detachment, I somehow failed to notice that over the years a drastic transition in myself occurred. As most people know, I have an intense yearning to make a mark on the world, to be remembered, to have a lasting impact. There is a massive contradiction within me though. When it comes to parts of myself that can become tangible (such as manifestations of creativity, emotion, or my personal history), I only want to give what is within my power to remove.

I decline every collaboration request, every commission for an individual that I know, I no longer write letters or poetry for people, I will not create a piece of art specifically for anyone. I don’t want to take the chance of being immortalized in association with anyone any more. I don’t want people to have pictures, videos, logs of anything… I don’t want to give a single touchable piece of myself at all. It’s not to say that I won’t ever engage in such efforts for as long as I live. I never know what state I’ll be from one hour to the next, not to mention years in the future.

Over years of having my efforts rejected, not wanted, misinterpreted, or thrown back in my face… it has just proven to be unsafe to give any more than what is unavoidable. Even then, I sometimes wish I had the power to erase myself from the memories of people who have hurt me. Unfortunately, I can’t live my life or forge a connection with ANYONE under the premise of complete and utter silence though. Conversation is a necessity and it is the nature of the mind to remember it. The spoken word is just as easily recollected for the purpose of punishment or forgotten out of negligence as a handwritten letter, that being the case, I no longer see the point in setting myself up for additional strife.

If people could honestly live by the adage, “You get what you receive,” the world would be a happier place. Instead of living by it though, people just accept it’s existence and upon receiving the same nothing after a request that they had offered when prompted, will claim that they would have given the same if it were requested of them. Well, hypotheticals mean just as little as the weight of an atom in a skyscraper. The fact is that the concept of equality in giving and receiving is as vague as white matter. Each individual has a different idea of what is an “equal trade” in association. What seems like a simple request to one person may have an entirely different level of importance to the other. What seems to be a casual and harmless declining in an insignificant issue to one party may be a crushing denial of another’s needs.

Many a connection is broken in it’s early stages because of this. Sadly, what ends up happening is that the one thing that could balance the scales becomes the one thing neither person is willing to give… time. During the learning process, we get to know what matters most to people. Some take longer to know than others and there is no guarantee that there will ever be enough balance between two people to ever succeed in the “give and take”, but how can you expect a fruitful transaction when you have little to no understanding of the weight of your request to the person you are asking it of.

In my eyes, everyone and everything is a phase. Even the people that manage to prove a certain level of consistency, whether in presence alone or in their complete personality, everything is temporary. My lack of desire to leave lasting traces of myself with other people is strong but even that is a phase. It may get worse and cause me to fall into more dead years of hermit-like existence and creative hibernation… or it could get better with a little prompting and some proof that not everything is ammo for a pending attack.

I change like the days. I may linger like the sun at the horizon for ages, leaving you painfully craving the sanctity of darkness. But, I might burst through the clouds and warm your back just as the shivers of a distant storm rose the hairs on the back of your neck. There is good in me… and there is bad… and my consistency lies in the fact that you can rest assured I will always be changing. I will give what I receive, and just maybe, I’ll take the time to calculate the weight of an atom in a skyscraper… just in case it matters.


the weight of waiting January 30, 2008

Filed under: about me,philosophical muse — somniare @ 10:59 am

I’m beginning to see my writing to be a lot like a weather vane. My thoughts like charged atoms vibrating wildly as clouds gather at the horizon. They sense the involuntary repression brought by inclement times. Perhaps they are feeding from the sun which I’ve recently let in. Sometimes I wonder if my willingness to peel back the skin a little and expose some raw pieces of self only invite the light to burn and speed up the merciless storms in the distance. Of course, it could be that I can think more openly and write with the freedom of my unfocused mind when I step down from my dedicated sentry position and take the time to acknowledge the existence of peripheral vision. It isn’t easy to take a break from standing guard.

On that note, I’m going to tackle one of the many recurrent subjects I’ve been encountering lately while I am still at ground level and out of the watchtower.

It gets told to me every day by at least one person that I am one of the most patient people they’ve ever encountered. I never really thought about it up until recently, but it’s showing up around every corner like it’s something I should take the time to wrap my mind around. Ironically, when it comes to silly things, I don’t have an ounce of it. I can’t stand to wait at a stop light or know that someone has a surprise that they won’t reveal. There are multiple times I find myself swallowing my all encompassing rage as I’m forced to sit through something I find boring, annoying, or completely repulsive. I honestly hate having to wait for anything that I can possibly define as insignificant to my life as a whole.

Interestingly enough, you’d think those things mentioned would confuse a lot of people into thinking, “Gosh, that girl has no patience at all!” As it turns out though, patience has a much deeper meaning than the willingness to wait. A lot of it is in the presentation. Take my job for example. Do you really think I want to sit and take a half hour out of my extremely hectic schedule to get the world’s oldest living relic into the bathroom. No, of course not! But it’s not in me to make someone who is sick in the hospital feel like a burden to me when I have chosen a career specifically geared to healing and helping those in need. I put a smile on my face and gently guide them, all the while assuring them that I am most certainly NOT busy and I have more than enough time to help them. Why do they insist I must have immense amounts of patience? Because no one else seems to. Rush rush rush… dragging these people around like rag dolls and scowling in a way that says, “You’re no more important than the rest so move your damned ass!” I’m no saint, that thought crosses my mind every day. That’s the reality of being a patient though. Many are equal in neediness and there is bound to be at least a few in more dire need than the archaic shell of a person I may find myself moving in slow motion beside at any given moment. What is the sense in creating such apprehension in a sick person who needs you that they feel it necessary to start every sentence with, “I know you’re busy but…”

Patience runs deeper than the appearance on the surface as well. Most everyone has the friends that seem to call non-stop in need of support for problems so consistently that you wonder if they have ever seen a bright day in their lives. My patience goes beyond the constant pillar I become to those who mean something to me. I’ve been known to spend hours counseling complete strangers on their deepest issues. I stick around as a support until I’ve served my purpose and then I stand back and disappear. I do this regularly. People find me out of nowhere just to open up their pandora’s box to someone who will listen. Yes it requires an epic amount of patience to dedicate such large amounts of time to complete strangers.

These days, true patience is not only a commodity among the masses, it’s become something unrecognizable and unappreciated. The world is comprised of takers and givers… without tolerance, you can never be anything more than a taker. I do wonder if such a virtue will run dry in me. Will there come a point when I get sick of others getting frustrated with me or never taking the time to see past their own world of various dramas to notice that I exist as something other than a pocket psychiatrist. Have I crafted my own destiny of loneliness out of a desire to be needed? Patience does not bring happiness. Being needed for support purposes is not the same as being needed for everything I can offer as a person just existing.

There are so many things patience is mistaken for: generosity, openheartedness, selflessness… these just being a few examples. I may have aspects of each of those but I harbor their antonyms equally. While that may be a fact, I still have both feet firmly planted on the ground when it comes to matters requiring steadfastness. When no one else has been there, most people can say that I was. I stuck it out. I am proud of myself for that because I feel like I can mean something just using a natural born part of my personality. Where it leaves me thinking is when I wonder if that is what I am truly seeking in someone to share my life with.

There are no viable consequences that I can manifest about bringing two people together with immense amounts of sufferance. The challenge would come in when one person possesses the quality and the other one can’t see it and spends the greater portion of time chipping at the walls of fortitude. It may be necessary to have a giver and a taker in order to keep a balance, but as I pointed out, you can’t be a giver without patience and having two takers in a relationship is a recipe for failure. Eventually the surplus will run dry and the relationship will shrivel.

I’m getting old. I find that it is impossible to find an intelligent and worthwhile companion who retains the virtue of patience in the midst of rebuilding life in the post-apocalypse of failed relationships. In that light, the real question comes in. Can patience be learned? Can it be taught? Can it be absorbed from another? Perhaps my only hope will be to subliminally infuse it into my other. If I can’t, I will find myself waiting for someone who couldn’t bear the weight of waiting.


cause and effect pt.1 January 24, 2008

Filed under: philosophical muse — somniare @ 1:35 am

We spend years developing ideals which are often shaped by the people who have affected us over the years. I question whether or not there is evolution in that or if we simply use the existence of other people to help define our underdeveloped senses of self. I wonder if the people who find themselves with their happy endings and minimal strife get to that point because they were born into this world knowing who they were.

This may sound contradictory to my firm belief that if you ever stop learning about yourself, you have reached a dead end. It’s not a contradiction per se as much as an expansion. People are dynamic by nature and being that there are countless experiences out there that can shape a person, it’s near to impossible to remain completely static all throughout your life. The people we meet- and either let in, shut out, or even completely ignore- they are all experiences in their own way. There is a fine line separating what is genuine change and the superficial alterations made simply due to the existence of a certain personality come in contact with.

Where is the line between changing and recovering what was lost along the way? Where is the line between a gaping schism in our foundations and what is nothing more than the slow shifting of plates deep below the surface of being? There is a fault line regardless and the slightest quake makes a difference… perhaps there is no definitive line separating the two results of cause and effect but more a matter of when our inner tuning picks up the signals.

Do we use other people to deceive ourselves into believing that something somewhere is shifting? The sad truth is that we just might not be able to tell the difference between sensing a change and wanting it. Our desperate desire for change, evolution and personal enlightenment drive us to see people as tools. Can an outsider really be a true catalyst… or is that just an illusion?


writing- the path to wisdom? December 8, 2007

Filed under: philosophical muse — somniare @ 8:29 pm

While in a writing frenzy about an hour ago, I had to take a random break as something I had written sparked my memory. It had been a while since I had researched the Book of Enoch so it took some major googling to figure out who it was I was thinking of that had been accredited with contributing to the fall of mankind by introducing pen and paper.

The result of my search returned exactly what I was looking for:

Pinem’e (also known as Penemu) –

Excerpt 1: “demonstrated to the children of the people the bitter and the sweet and revealed to them all the secrets of their wisdom. Furthermore he caused the people to penetrate (the secret of) writing and (the use of) ink and paper”

Excerpt 2:“…a onetime holy angel who fell from grace. He is especially vilified in the literature of Enoch, specifically the First Book of Enoch (69), because he taught humanity many terrible things, such as the secrets of wisdom and, worst of all, the use of ink and paper in writing. As a result of this ability, many humans “have erred from eternity to eternity, until this very day. For indeed human beings are not created for such purposes to take up their beliefs with pen and ink”; this may be rather stern denunciation of writing and the field of journalism. Interestingly, Penemu ( is also credited with the ability to cure stupidity.”

It’s strange how things in the back of your memory rise to the surface at such random times. The concept of writing being a contributing factor to the ultimate demise of humanity itself is enough to keep one thinking for hours. Essentially, it’s an enlightening truth. Consider how much of what is spoken escapes memory… but if it’s written down, well the chances of preservation are multiplied tenfold. What we know from lore has mostly been brought to us by an insane game of “telephone”, warped and corrupted from having been verbally transferred time and time again until someone finally wrote it down. Who knows how much of it had already turned to mere myth by then. If you examine that, you then must ponder the possibility of the truths obscured by the title “myth” attributed by man from the beginning. This train of thought could cause the mind to run in circles for hours.

Tangent aside, the spark that initiated the research to begin with were my ideas on the immortalization of thought. As our being is completely lacking in any permanence, it’s safe to assume that every individual has at least some instinctual desire to leave a part of themselves with the world when they are no longer a physical part of it. This is obvious in the drive to simply procreate though this is a baser need and not one requiring higher thought. Why do artists create, why do writer’s write? To leave a mark, immortalize themselves in a way.

I have a mind programmed to assault theory, instinct, and penetrate the surface of what we are already well aware of. As my mind ran with the idea of immortalization, it picked up the question of whether or not writing could do more harm than good. The concept of an inherent evil in the spreading of knowledge through writing almost completely eludes me. Why was it viewed as an ability that humanity should never have gained the aptitude for? Could writer’s block be a punishment from a much higher level? Minds capable of doing extraordinary things being blocked off from their ability… there are countless neuroscientific and psychological analysis regarding this issue but one can’t completely discount the possibility of some arcane force working there.