somniare.

sometimes, my head explodes

Ends of eras January 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — somniare @ 4:19 am

More than one part of me fell on the floor when I destroyed my Christmas tree today.

One by one, I carefully removed each treasured ornament. They’d been collected over years, each with a specific meaning and a story… they deserved to be saved. The strings of lights became the real challenge, due entirely to the intricate beauty I constructed from nothing and lack of worthwhile method or history.

As I tore the lights from their entanglement among the dead boughs, I was glad I left them alight so I could watch their luminance flicker and struggle to hold on to the happiness they once brought me. I ripped and tore, snapped limbs and broke bulbs. I smiled once. It was sick and sadistic, yet there was beauty in the brutality. In the end, they couldn’t be saved.

I couldn’t see the carpet between the needles and branches. They crunched beneath the soles of my shoes as I deliberately ground them into the fibers. I needed something to clean…. leftover sap collecting dirt and dust on my hands wasn’t enough. In the unseen spaces between the dried greenery, I laid my unfortunate affections to sleep before I vacuumed the whole mess up and threw it out of my window.

Meanwhile, I’ve played two songs for five hours through the entire process. And I wish I’d actually taken the time to listen before I went deaf. Before I drank away my words just to end up telling yet another story without an end. But still, I never did end up washing my hands.

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