I went back to my first post of the year for 2008 to see how far I’ve come… or more less, how far I haven’t.
My eloquence has forsaken me. My talent for language moved onto more fertile ground and left me to follow my singular path backward in perpetual digression. Every moment that I feel is my worst ends up eclipsed in the next minutes… full of ambiguous wording and ellipses replacing the experience provided only by proper punctuation.
My grammar seems to be the casualty of the year. As I’ve become more and more mentally scattered, any intelligent thought wanes away in the wake of emotional tides. I suppose that as we evolve on some levels, there has to be retrograde on others. Such is the nature of balance in how we maintain our unique personalities while becoming something different at the same time. Evolution in humanity is contradictory that way. It works out in such a fashion that one might question whether or not it qualifies as development at all but rather a minor alteration, such as rising the hem of a skirt you’d like to shorten or sewing a new button onto a shirt that many would have simply thrown in the trash.
If it were up to me, I’d toss my whole being into the trash. Chalk my existence up to a glitch in the system and let a higher power develop a more dynamically stable model. If everyone felt that way though, we’d end up a society of highly functioning automatons, performing our assigned tasks in a worldwide society of functional communistic beliefs. We’d be robots without flaw and, by default, without the ability to learn and grow from our mistakes before being deemed obsolete and destroyed. Truth be known, this is possibly the reality of our lives already… our deaths only being testament to our ceasing functionality and uselessness in the grand scheme of things.
Existential crises and depression stem from instinctive awareness of our lots in life and definitive fates. Those that find themselves faced with such states often medicate in an effort to numb the pain ; diminish the agony of performing day to day pointless activities and ultimately fruitless obligations. The numbness only suffices in the eyes of the perfect Utopian mechanical world. As much as it would seem ideal to run our course without the suffering of cognizance… we are what we are here. We need to come to terms with our own places in this world.
I’ll take my faults with a grain of salt. I’ll enjoy the flavor of cherries and appreciate vintage photography in all of its emulsified beauty. I’ll kiss and laugh and smoke and brood. It’s another year of being alive and aware that life is simply varying levels of unhappiness regardless of how I’ve changed. This isn’t negativity. This is life.