The sun seems to be glaring at me as it bids adieu behind the trees and houses of Suburbia. It’s as if it believes my last memory of light for the day should be one of pain, spotty vision, and finally blindness… reminding me that who needs to really see anything in the darkness anyway. There is luck this time of year as the fire in the sky fades much more quickly than what I have to look forward to in the days to come. It’s the slow descent of the seemingly infinite daylight that I dread now. Contradictory to my yearning for the warmth of a summer night, I still find myself disquieted by the impending lengthening of daylit hours. Perhaps it will be good for me. There’s a chance that the will for wakefulness will return and my dread will be replaced with an urgency to embrace time once again. At this very moment, that is a level of optimism long forgotten.
I learned something about myself today.
While I’ve been so focused on everyone else’s levels of detachment, I somehow failed to notice that over the years a drastic transition in myself occurred. As most people know, I have an intense yearning to make a mark on the world, to be remembered, to have a lasting impact. There is a massive contradiction within me though. When it comes to parts of myself that can become tangible (such as manifestations of creativity, emotion, or my personal history), I only want to give what is within my power to remove.
I decline every collaboration request, every commission for an individual that I know, I no longer write letters or poetry for people, I will not create a piece of art specifically for anyone. I don’t want to take the chance of being immortalized in association with anyone any more. I don’t want people to have pictures, videos, logs of anything… I don’t want to give a single touchable piece of myself at all. It’s not to say that I won’t ever engage in such efforts for as long as I live. I never know what state I’ll be from one hour to the next, not to mention years in the future.
Over years of having my efforts rejected, not wanted, misinterpreted, or thrown back in my face… it has just proven to be unsafe to give any more than what is unavoidable. Even then, I sometimes wish I had the power to erase myself from the memories of people who have hurt me. Unfortunately, I can’t live my life or forge a connection with ANYONE under the premise of complete and utter silence though. Conversation is a necessity and it is the nature of the mind to remember it. The spoken word is just as easily recollected for the purpose of punishment or forgotten out of negligence as a handwritten letter, that being the case, I no longer see the point in setting myself up for additional strife.
If people could honestly live by the adage, “You get what you receive,” the world would be a happier place. Instead of living by it though, people just accept it’s existence and upon receiving the same nothing after a request that they had offered when prompted, will claim that they would have given the same if it were requested of them. Well, hypotheticals mean just as little as the weight of an atom in a skyscraper. The fact is that the concept of equality in giving and receiving is as vague as white matter. Each individual has a different idea of what is an “equal trade” in association. What seems like a simple request to one person may have an entirely different level of importance to the other. What seems to be a casual and harmless declining in an insignificant issue to one party may be a crushing denial of another’s needs.
Many a connection is broken in it’s early stages because of this. Sadly, what ends up happening is that the one thing that could balance the scales becomes the one thing neither person is willing to give… time. During the learning process, we get to know what matters most to people. Some take longer to know than others and there is no guarantee that there will ever be enough balance between two people to ever succeed in the “give and take”, but how can you expect a fruitful transaction when you have little to no understanding of the weight of your request to the person you are asking it of.
In my eyes, everyone and everything is a phase. Even the people that manage to prove a certain level of consistency, whether in presence alone or in their complete personality, everything is temporary. My lack of desire to leave lasting traces of myself with other people is strong but even that is a phase. It may get worse and cause me to fall into more dead years of hermit-like existence and creative hibernation… or it could get better with a little prompting and some proof that not everything is ammo for a pending attack.
I change like the days. I may linger like the sun at the horizon for ages, leaving you painfully craving the sanctity of darkness. But, I might burst through the clouds and warm your back just as the shivers of a distant storm rose the hairs on the back of your neck. There is good in me… and there is bad… and my consistency lies in the fact that you can rest assured I will always be changing. I will give what I receive, and just maybe, I’ll take the time to calculate the weight of an atom in a skyscraper… just in case it matters.