sometimes, my head explodes

viva verbosity December 13, 2007

Filed under: from the mute to the deaf,hell is other people,my evolution — somniare @ 1:21 pm

Why do the voices of negativity resound so much louder than the inner voices of personal drive? Is it simply because those who are incapable of accomplishing what you are become so hell-bent on bringing you down to their level that they will go to any extent? Or does it simply come down to my having an impressionable mind, easily crushed?

At the pinnacle of my writing frenzy, I was beginning to feel the twinges of insanity. Not the terrible kind where one should be instantly placed in the confines of a straitjacket and dragged off to the asylum, but more the kind where the sense of being driven by a powerful force borders on what I can only describe as a satisfying mania. The insanity I described would be better suited under the description of intensity. Everything I did, saw, felt, discussed… it all triggered my writer’s mind as potential subjects to expand upon, analyze and theorize. For the first time in a while, I was able to release all of the crushing weight of intense thought onto paper. Things which overwhelm became productive for me by immortalizing my thoughts in a tangible form.

This seems like such a positive turn of events for me. The unfortunate matter is that in the beginning stages of development, this ability is impressionable. It was said to me, “You should slow down…” Instant effect. My drive came to an abrupt halt and I’ve been unable to produce anything since. All at once, the self-doubt came flooding back in torrents. My drive found itself underwater without so much as a last breath to sustain it for a few cherished last moments. It is truly amazing how the voice of someone you trust can have such a dramatic affect.

I use writing as my window of communication to the world. I send messages out to those that matter and whether obscure or not, it’s still a matter of necessity. Whether or not interpretation gets lost or not becomes the lesser of two evils when faced with the inability to get anything out at all. Where drive and obsessive writing take the form of mild insanity, it must then be compared to the decomposition of mental health when there’s no motivation to release at all.

In the effort of looking at such a comment more objectively, I do see that the underlying message may have been one sent with my best interests in mind. As in, “Slow down before you work yourself into the ground…” or something of related sentiment. The truth of the matter is that writing be it frequently or in random bursts is part of who I am. Slowing down is not an option. If it chooses to wash over me at a given time, I’ll let it because that’s what is necessary. The quality of the deluge of words spilling forth is completely irrelevant since the birth of Masterpieces can often stem from such ramblings. I find inspiration in the ability to take my feelings and write novellas on a daily basis. These releases over time have no weight to the world, but they perpetuate my evolution as a writer and the potential to bring forth truly inspired work.

Any writer, psychoanalyst, therapist, or book on writing will tell you that writing in times when completely lacking in creative inspiration is just as important as sitting down and letting the Muse take you when it visits. I may find myself obsessively scribbling on any available surface or awake at all hours of the night unable to sleep until I’ve emptied my head in verbose and pointless blogs, but I do so for the greater good. I am here, doing this now as a very loud statement to those who can see nothing more than pointless effort in what I do. Just because you find yourself facing a wall of inadequacy and unable to superfluously dump your thoughts into digestible pieces does not give you license to inflict such deficits on the minds of others. I may be in an impressionable state, but not one lacking vision.

Just in writing this, I find rejuvenation. Even words from the most treasured acquaintances can be devalued to a level of complete uselessness or viewed as something simply misinterpreted to be more discouraging than intended. Intention is useless though as perceptions will outweigh it every time. That is a subject to be approached a bit later.

To be continued… (like it or not)


One Response to “viva verbosity”

  1. Jon Says:

    “A satisfying mania,” I like that. I suppose another person’s disparaging remarks can carry more weight because they tap into our own doubting inner voice. That’s two against our one creative voice.

    But weight isn’t strength. The voice of doubt is weak because it’s dependant on the creative voice. It needs something to undermine; if you cease to be creative, doubt will wither because there’s nothing to destroy. Creativity isn’t dependant. It’s stronger. Even against your own doubt and the doubt of others, it’s stronger, because it is its own means and end. It’s not dependant on anything.

    When it’s running, run with it. You’re right to clamp on with both hands and ride it to the end. Slow down? That doesn’t make a lick of sense. “Slow down or you might end up honing your art, delving into magical lands of poetry, bringing better and better art into the world.” What the hell. More likely, it’s something like, “Slow down or I’ll feel so guilty about not being creative that I’ll actually do something about it.”

    I’ve found, when it comes to encouragement and discouragement, that I can say “Fuck that” without also saying “Fuck you.” Sure, I can see where someone’s coming from, don’t want to be outshone or whatever, and I still love them, but I’m not going to get dragged down there with them. I’ll take a hand to help someone up out of it, of course, but if they start pulling I won’t think twice about letting go.

    Slow down? Fuck that. Run with us!

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