sometimes, my head explodes

How to live- lesson 1 December 3, 2007

Filed under: from the mute to the deaf — somniare @ 11:50 am

I’ve been observing habits lately. Old patterns that people follow no matter what or how they feel. There are times when it doesn’t seem to matter what level of satisfaction is being worked for or even lived in at the moment, we slowly kill ourselves.

There is one specific action people do which drives me (deeper) into insanity and that is living in a perpetual state of wanting. Most have no idea what message this sends from no matter how far when there seems to be little to no appreciation for the present. How can one possibly integrate themselves into the lives of such people and expect either party to find satisfaction. “I wish… I want… Why can’t you… ” Alas, inadequacy is born.

I am a strict realist who succumbs to the occasional dives into the polar extremes of optimism and pessimism. There is so much that I want for and dream about. There are times when I feel empty from being filled with nothing but unfulfilled desires. I won’t lie and say that I never feel this or state it out loud. What I will do on the other hand is redirect my wanting in a forward direction. When the connection I’m lacking begins to overpower my larger visions, I will take what I can get and embrace it. Some may call this “settling”… but I would just laugh. It is not settling to find a temporary peace while making every effort within the realm of potential to achieve greater happiness. The small things can illicit such beauty and it gnaws at me to feel alone in this view.

Funny enough (and true to my contradictory nature) I find it much easier to make grandiose efforts to show my underlying feelings. The reason behind this though fits right with my topic. This only happens when my smaller efforts have been largely ignored or simply unseen and as my motivation to display them dies a bit more, they build up until I am forced into an explosion of emotions. My preference though would be to appreciate and be appreciated in a way that grows gradually… blossoming in time. For once I’d like to avoid the burst of flames that overwhelm at times and end up covering up underlying problems or flaws in connection.

I am gently profound in my affections when allowed to be and encouraged to simply exist in such natural fashion. I find that those around me with their wantings are either pushing me too hard and back me into corners in efforts to get what they “need” out of me, or they find me altogether lacking and bring about a sense of worthlessness that crushes my heart. Sometimes it’s both at once. This is very discouraging and plays an integral part in the formation of the shell that I cower under.

So, how do we learn from an example like this? How should we live? Well, when there is a rift separating two people, be it physical space or emotional barriers, since when did anything come of wishing things to be different? In this event, I will have to say it is necessary to step away from the bigger picture in effort to preserve what ties remain in spite of the walls that divide. If you have to hold a glass to the wall to better hear the muffled cries that reach out, do it. If you have to tie two cans onto a string to form the most terribly simplistic phone because you’re in the middle of a storm which has cut out every last form of communication, DO IT. If you’re at a loss for words because articulated conversation fails, write it down. If words fail all together, take a picture, draw goddamned stick figures, play charades for heaven’s sake… the possibilities are endless. Most importantly, if you find yourself wanting and unable to see past it, step outside of yourself so that you don’t miss the subtle signs that may be laying on your doorstep.

Sometimes the little things are the hardest though. There is an inherent tendency amongst some to plant complex verbal gardens and invite very few to wander the paths woven throughout. The opportunity is then offered to inspect and see the hidden beauty within the small infantile blossoms. Such examination can become tedious after a while since no matter how hard we attempt to see forward in time to the bloomed potentials and acroamatic interpretations… the messages capable of being sent in simplicity such as trust and love will drown in this sort of forced analysis. Constructing labyrinthine forms of communication on one half and making the way through on the other half… well that takes a hell of a lot of patience. Patience takes time. If there is no time… why does this happen?

How to live? Simply. Minimalistic as possible. Tangle me in the seductive web of orphic symbolism, but don’t let it suffocate my heart or cause you to lose sight of what could be forever in front of you. Think… feel… balance. Reach when you can’t touch. Candid awareness of a never absent other will fill many of the ambiguous lacunae spreading through your brain leaving a vacuous wake of destruction. See and be seen, divulge and be confided in. Give and take… isn’t it always supposed to come to that anyway?


2 Responses to “How to live- lesson 1”

  1. beinnelay Says:

    Oh my god enjoyed reading your blogpost. I added your feed to my google reader.

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