sometimes, my head explodes

On planning November 28, 2007

Filed under: about me — somniare @ 11:09 am

Before venturing further into this post, please READ ME.

I am impatient with the future and I have no tolerance for the past. I am the epitome of spontaneity. Yet, in contradiction, I waste many hours daydreaming. While I should be focusing on a task at hand, I am mentally wandering, dreaming of someone or somewhere I can’t be near or see at that particular time. I resent myself for it and end up with a level of self annoyance that borders on disgust. Why waste time in that way and be so vacant from a current place and time when there is so much to be done?

This world is simply too big for a mind that analyzes the smallest things. Planning becomes enemy #1. There are simply too many futures. I prefer to focus on manipulating potential futures by my actions in the present, primarily focusing on the effect my actions may have at that given moment and shutting off the “what if” switch of destructive hypotheticals. I subtly manipulate what future may be possible for me as I weave my own stories within every passing moment. My appreciation is for the little things and the opportunities that present themselves in an instant. Time spent planning and anticipating… well, that’s time that fleeting opportunities can slip through the cracks while I was preoccupied.

I crave adventure but because of who I am, my ability to gain that sense is severely impaired. I need someone strong enough to hold my hand and yank me out my world and lead me to a secret destination in a far off land. I love to be shown new experience. This quality may make me appear weak and lacking in motivation but in reality, I can only be so much as one person.

There are three major types of change. First is the type of change that most of us despise- the type that happens without our knowledge, foresight, or affect. We don’t experience such change but often find ourselves caught underneath the debris of a life turned upside down. This is self destruction. The second type of change would be the one that we directly choose for ourselves. We know there is something that needs to differ or else we will find ourselves simply walking in circles or pacing within the doldrums of a stagnant existence. That is the type where we have accepted our ability to hold our future in our hands and embrace opportunity of free will. We use such change as footholds to reach our hands above ground and pull out of the trenches. This is self empowerment. The third major type is the one where we may not have fallen victim to it but at the same time we did not directly institute it on our own. When there is an external influence that makes a difference for better or worse and we have taken the time to think about it and let them take a piece of our fate in their hands, this is the cross between the prior two types. This type is the only kind to really bring self awareness. The ability to hold the power of change in our hands and either embrace or shun it based on calculation. Every individual is different in this respect. Those lacking in self consciousness may be led down wrong paths and find their lives in a similar cataclysmic state to the results of change #1. Those people often see this as ultimately being the cause of change #1 even though they had options, they just weren’t strong enough to see or embrace them. Instead they opt to be so easily influenced that there is no self awareness and no conscious free will. Such impressionable people will often find themselves constantly choosing paths of their own detriment and in ignorance of advantageous options.

The reason I detail such a theory is because I am currently seeking that external influence to help me see different life altering perspectives and aid me in avoidance of dormant existence while still maintaining mindful assent. This is no easy feat but accounting for my distaste for contrivance regarding the future, that is my best option for self improvement. I am not a weak person who needs the will of others to sway me and make decisions for me. People are tools to be used in my best interest (not at their expense, mind you), and this is where I find myself at this point in my life. After analyzing my potential for as long as I have been capable of such ways of thinking, this is my conclusion


3 Responses to “On planning”

  1. Boink Blogs Says:

    […] planning somniare put an intriguing blog post on On planningHere’s a quick excerptThis is no easy feat but […]

  2. Jon Says:

    My wise old aunt always says you plan life then life plans you. After having tried and failed, gone and come back, suffered and lived to tell about, I’ve come into the simple habit of getting done what I can. I can’t count the things I want to do, try, taste, etc. So what I’ve done is grabbed the top few things and knuckled down to get as much done as I can before the sky falls on me.

    Writing, I think we both know, is number one. Occasionally the second is travelling. Too much world to see in one lifetime, even. Praying makes the cut less often than it should. Then there are finite, linear goals. Now and again I get the hankering to draw, so I sit down and do it until I don’t feel like it no more. Then it’s on or back to something else. Keep this up and I figure I’ll have an easy time of grinning on my deathbed. Wisdom is keeping one eye on the minute hand and one on eternity, isn’t that what they say?

    External influences are everywhere. We’re like atoms, really. Some other atoms attract us, some repel us, some change our very structure. There’s nothing wrong or right so much as natural about it. Just bounce around a bit, you’ll find what you need.

  3. acrylicwinter Says:

    I think planning comes as one part person, one part situation, and one part courage. I think that it’s a matter of your self as a person, those characteristics that are you, then it’s part where you are both in life and literaly, what are your options, and third the risk factor. How much courage do you have to do what it is, have faith again, make the leap in a literal tense, or just to stand up for something. It’s a combination of factors and I think you described it very well, I like reading what you write.

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