somniare.

sometimes, my head explodes

the games we play (part II) November 10, 2007

Filed under: hell is other people — somniare @ 12:32 pm

What tangled webs we weave. There is no better statement than this to portray my associations with nearly everyone that crosses my path. Where has the cut and dry gone? Where is the simplicity and the gentle ebb and flow that life is capable of? Around every corner, I seem to be faced with yet another challenge to test my ability to stand without crumbling under the pressure.

I am one with a strong appreciation for candor. For all intensive purpose, I come across as nothing more than vague and obscure when attempting to discuss more emotional matters. Even if such feelings are the very definition of why I stand at a certain point at a given time, I still feel it necessary to dance around them while desperately clinging to my safe, equivocal alter-ego. Those that can voice exactly how they feel and why they feel it are held in my highest esteem.

I think a lot about the games that we play with one another. People in general are puzzles. Every thought, emotion, and action represent pieces of the larger whole that one must be able to put together to get the bigger picture. While I may have a relatively firm grasp on the whys of actions and thoughts, I can’t seem to interpret the ways that most people choose to display feelings.

Being that emotions are typically guarded due to the damages that have been inflicted in the past, it’s a difficult barrier to break through. This is true within my own relationships with people so I find it all the more difficult to pressure those around me to be more open than I myself am capable. This level of consciousness is often the part that gets torn to shreds and launched into the web… untangling, unwrapping and tearing these loose from this type of entrapment is quite a daunting task.

I choose the people with this ability to surround me on a level of friendship. You can learn a lot from those you can call ‘friends’. Unfortunately, it seems that I am driven to become intimate with those who have woven the most complex labyrinth of diffuse affections. So intricate this filigree, I find myself exhausting so many of my resources into disencumbering the emotions of those who I hold so dear that I lose sight of the fact that I am simply tying my own tourniquet.

These efforts are what truly ensnare. So much time spent in my attempts to save the ones I love… so much effort just to understand… and so little time left to take a deep breath and save myself before I have nothing left to give in return but this last pathetic exhale.

There is no escape from this reticulation until one can find the ends that hold so firmly to the walls we’ve constructed and find the proper tools to snip them off. There is no sense in attempting to remove everything that has been encapsulated within. Sever your losses and hope that when the web has been cleared away, the raw nature of pure emotion does not give entrance to an equally painful new game…

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