I’ve never been one to feel like I was wasting time. I tend to keep busy and be constructive and not really care how much effort I put into accomplishing anything in the bigger picture.
Lately though, I feel like I am squandering time. I actually care about all of the things I should be doing and everything I know I am supposed to say. More than ever, my ability to transform thought into coherent speech has been failing me horribly.
When I really sit and think about it, things become a bit more clear as to my underlying issue. While I am making a lot of effort into remolding myself, transforming my life into what I actually want it to be and genuinely attempting to stray from my familiar cycles… these things become near to impossible when the only people left in my life are those who have been a consistent presence amongst the fail.
I find myself asking if it is even possible to change when surrounded by continuity. What is the motivation? What is the catalyst for the ultimate change for me? If there is anything that has become certain, it is that something larger lurks on the horizon. I just have a gut feeling that while the fabric of my existence is being seemingly rewoven every day, there is one last piece of this puzzle that is remaining elusive. Something big. I am nearly always right when I get that ‘something is going to happen’ feeling. Usually, it’s a very ominous, foreboding presence in the back of my mind… not this time.
While my foundations have been slowly eroding, shifting and cracking, ultimate demolition is not far off. It’s a welcomed destruction.
I walked out of my last relationship under the delusion of avoiding devastation. My assumption was that if I had been able to open up and make the efforts then, that ability would remain untouched for my future. As time moves forward though, the sad truth is that I am worse off that I ever was. The emotional block is so strong that it is actually discouraging me. I know what I am capable of but instead of bringing that to fruition, I am watching the clock.