sometimes, my head explodes

Halloween, a testament November 1, 2007

Filed under: my evolution — somniare @ 1:16 am

Halloween has become a day to say goodnight to October. This month has become one of the dreaded among the many on my calendar and as I bid adieu, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I adore the fall. The falling leaves that I trample just to hear their frail veins crackle beneath my feet, the scent of wood smoke that seems to seep into every atom of every molecule of every substance existing…. the vibrant color… the crisp air….

Among this beautiful solstice live my transcendental highs and ultimate lows. Giving birth and saying goodbye, falling in love with one I could never have, getting married and divorced… love and life, pain and loss… my years should end with October.

My ultimate conclusions, philosophical musings, and pathetic discoveries of self meet at this same apex year after year.

As much as I would like to simply count down to the new year at midnight, unfortunately I have my other annual hurdle to jump. My December of physical failing. My body gives up on me… deems me useless and attempts to erase me from the planet year after year. November is my month of repose, a mere lull in the chaos, a chance to forget why I prayed for the turning of the year.

December gives me options. Succumb to the weakness that is the human body… take the path away from a lifetime of Octobers? This world is littered with cliches and pretensions and at the risk of becoming one of their many victims, I fade every year out to the sounds of ‘better to have loved and lost…’

I absorb every year, taking notes all the way. I’ve lived all of these years making the same mistakes year in and year out. Rinse and repeat. Maybe next year, I will simply wash away this residue and spare myself this archaic cycle.

Halloween… in all the ways it’s changed over the years… kids forced into fear of the world… it is but an attestation of all that I should apply to my own existence. If I can’t change, I’ll never live. That is my truth.


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