somniare.

sometimes, my head explodes

a new conclusion October 28, 2007

Filed under: hell is other people — somniare @ 5:55 pm

I came to a few conclusions today as to my ideas on completion. Most people seek that one person who satisfies their search for that “other half”. The one who amplifies who they are, complements what already exists, brings to life what lies dormant and also has enough of the qualities that one lacks in their own personality.

I’ve had quite a few lengthy discussion with various friends and acquaintances about what it is they are truly seeking. Mostly, I sit and listen and contribute my own theories to supplement theirs in regards to their mission but I don’t think I previously had actually taken the time to sit and think about what it is that I myself need in a ‘companion’.

I don’t need someone to make me think. I think way more than enough on my own. I would like someone to be able to match me in a conversation and bring to light NEW ideas and topics that I have not previously taken the time to ponder but I could live without that. It is possible for me to entertain my own thirst for knowledge all on my own as I am constantly studying new ideas, theories and concepts. My brain is always busy. Most certainly, being the person that I am, I definitely have a desire to experience understanding of my quirks and downfalls. There’s a lot about me that needs healing as well as a lot that needs to be seen as NOT being broken… simply different. Once again, not an absolute necessity. I can live with being misunderstood. Being that I have made it this far as a general pariah for the things that cause me to be isolated even in my most intimate relationships. I do not fear being ostracized. I could go on and on about what I would like in ideal circumstances…

What I discovered though, is one true need. I need someone that makes me feel. For as long as I can remember, I have lived in a perpetual state of ‘numb’. There are brief moments and people that have crossed my path and I have found the blessing of individual experiences to prove to me what would bring me ultimate happiness. I simply can’t live as I have any more. Yes, it’s safe… but it’s cold and while I prefer the frigid existence to one of smothering, overwhelming heat… it isn’t enough for a person who finds inspiration in all that I allow to trigger my emotions. My perfect complement would not be a person who is overly expressive in their own emotions, they simply have to trigger mine. It’s a strange balance and one that is difficult to explain… but this is my ultimate conclusion. The final piece in my search. Now, I will just cross my fingers and hope that among all of those that have crushed my will to experience life in that way… fate will have finally turned in my favor. One can only hope.

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